THINGS THE 90'S RUINED( OR WHY THE BON JOVI 'ALWAYS' VIDEO IS A GEM OF TERRIBLE

So Bon Jovi was without a doubt one of the biggest bands of the 80’s. They were nearly untouchable, and hit after hit was sung by many a blue jean clad lady from the United States to the impoverished Ukraine. Today we’re going to discuss their music video for “ Always.” I’ve always liked the song, but I purposely haven’t watched to video before writing this so I’ll be surprised. Hopefully it’s not too bad, but this should be fun either way.

For some reason they open this one with a street fair on a little back yard that appears to be in South America, and while it has nothing to do with the song, now I want mexican food. Anyway the camera pans up and inward to an apartment with a very nice looking man with no shirt on laying in bed and he’s holding a picture. Now you don’t see the picture, but you know that’s some forlorn foreshadowing. The video has this weird thing going where it cuts back and forth to the band playing in a proper live setting, than to the band playing in a vacant warehouse, then back to the overall plot of the video. It’s really dumb.

So back to the main plot. The main guy character is played by the same guy who played Justin in another 90’s gem, the horror film Event Horizon. He’s in a room that very much resembles a space that a girl who likes Aerosmith would live in. The female in the video is Carla Gugino, who we all know from Spy Kids, Sin City, and Entourage. She’s dancing around in some sexy clothes, and he’s filming her, but the way it’s happening is so creepy it’s not even nice to watch. He has this disgusting porn star smirk on his face, and I think after I get my mexican food, I’ll need a shower. Also the camera is the size of my laptop. That’s how you know it’s dated.

Next is when it gets complicated. Kerry Russell, of all people, is sleeping on the couch when those two “adults” come barging in all hopped up or whatever, and Carla is wearing a overgrown Dr. Seuss hat. Seriously the good ole’ Seuss would be rolling in his grave if he saw that. How is it that they can manage to a get a cat in the hat hat in this tar pit of a video but we can’t get another live action Seuss movie? Thanks again Mike Myers for ruining it for everyone. So this bitch is sleeping, but she wakes up and puts the Tv on to find the video you saw the couple making earlier, even though there’s no VCR anywhere in sight. Apparently Bon Jovi discovered the cloud 20 years before everyone else.

So Justin from Event Horizon and Felicity are on the couch, and he turns and looks at her, and it’s the goddamn creepiest look I’ve ever seen anyone give another human being in my life. It’s almost as if he’s marking his territory and telling her with his eyes “Where do you want me?” Ugh. Then we go back to another video of Jon Bon Jovi singing. Also what’s annoying is how in ever live playing segment, Jon’s hair is completely different. Like I know it’s a music video, but c’mon guys, you couldn’t have planned this a little better? This video has a more shake my head moments than fucking Norbit did.

After all of this Carla comes home and is struck by the future when she sees Justin and Felicity doing the sexy, yet again on the fucking video tape. What is this guy thinking? And why is there always a video playing in his house. How can you rewind this fast?! SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME! How can you rewind this fast!!!? After the discovery ( Shall we say, an Event on the horizon?) Carla leaves the house and decides she wants to walk down the street with no shoes on. That road looks rough though, so hopefully she has some hobbit feet going so she’s not in agonizing pain as she walks away.

Naturally she finds a new guy, and goes to his apartment, and the place is the epitome of 90’s cool. He has a bed that's on risers, and sitting under a steel pyramid, so you know he’s awesome. They end up hooking up, and he paints her like Jack painting Kate in the Titanic. After that awesome night though Carla reconsiders after seeing the painting he drew of her and calls Justin to come to her, and in this stranger's apartment they reconnect and make up. It’s short lived however, when Justin finds the painting and goes all ape shit crazy and starts trashing this dude’s place. Seriously though, how is it ok for him to do the sexy with Felicity but his hurt girlfriend isn’t allowed some guilt free fun?

After that Justin sets this poor guys loft on fire and leaves. The last thing you see is Justin sitting holding the picture, feeling like a douche, and he thinks he sees Carla, but it’s just a mirage. For some reason I thought she died in some tragic way, but no, that’s how this crapfest ends. Justin with no shirt on, and he’s crying to a Bon Jovi song. That was terrible, but that’s why the 90’s had to exist. So everyone would never forget.

Never Forget. This video exists. And also Mexican food.