Back in the day, MC Hammer was a powerhouse of rap… I think? I was insanely young, and thus didn’t have the access to music I currently do, but man, this video. It’s goddamn terrible
The first thing you might notice is that “the Belush,” aka Jim Belushi is the news man, and you know from here it’s gonna be a shitshow. The concept of this video is basic, Hammer Quits, and the world mourns. First let those words sink into your subconscious: Hammer quits, and the world mourns. We get tons of non- celebrities in the video expressing concern that such a clear cut talent would abandon his fans. Danny Glover, Henry Winkler, and Tony Danza are all freaking out.
This goes on for way too long. Like, seven minutes of this is too much. Honestly this might be one of the worst video’s I’ve ever seen. It seriously might be the Showgirls of music videos.
I’m only five minutes in, and oh wait, what the hell is James Brown doing here? This aint his shit.
Getting back to it. So all these fans are sitting in a theatre, which is perplexing since they don’t even know if Hammer is showing up. This strikes me as odd for a number of reasons. First off, shouldn’t Hammer have signed a contract to perform there, so he could get sued the fuck out of for reneging on his contractual obligations. Also, wouldn’t the venue have known if the show was going down and refused to let thousands of people in? Maybe this is why Hammer got sued and lost all that money(I watched the Behind the Music about him)?
Then, out of nowhere…. Hammer is boxing in a dark room. He’s also walking up a staircase, which also happens to be clouded in darkness Oh god it’s so bad I can’t even try to write something to explain how god awful this is. So like, you ever have a bad day, and then one thing happens at the end of the day, and it tops all else, and you have to laugh? This video of art is worse than that. It’s “The Room” of shitty music videos. Oh hai Hammer. Let me just remind everyone willing to watch this: I’ve only described the first third of the video...
Then, some Space Jam effects come out when James Brown shoots a damn fireball into Hammer, and he hits the floor. I realize this is a horribly written mess, but so is this video… Time for a break.
So after the fireball thing, it somehow doesn’t kill him, which I guess you can chalk up to him being Hammer? Also, not only does it not kill him, but like twenty more dancers show up behind him, already dressed. How the hell do you even get fitted for suits that fast? It’s mindboggling. Then they’re an army that, if you ask The Godfather of Soul James Brown( Seriously how’d they manage to get him?) is simply too legit to quit.
A bit of disclosure here now. My mom took me to see MC Hammer when I was like ten, and i remember it being cool, but I was ten, so there’s that… The stage is full of dancers, and the, uh, the dances and shit are all dancing as a giant earth globe falls from the sky. This video is like trying to describe a Monet to a blind person. Seriously. I’ll be right back….
I can’t even with this. Watch the fucking video and see for yourself.
See you Wednesday
Landon Murray is a published writer and an avid lover of music, books and films. He's also a lover of the New Orleans Saints. He was born in 1982 and has a chainsaw tattoo on his arm.
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