“Don’t say a prayer for me, save it til the morning after,” from California cock rock bandits Eagles of Death Metal is currently playing. It’s relevant only because as i'm writing this that phrase is buming around my head.The sky in New Orleans today is gorgeous, but in fact it poorly reflects my current feelings.
Anyone who knows me well( or not well for that matter, I tend to be pretty open with things) is aware of the recent struggles in my life. After separating from my wife and not wanting it, things were obviously murky, but some sunshine was peaking through in my life. Obviously I was upset and distraught about a failed marriage. It’s a funny thing, divorce. It’s essentially a contract that takes place that makes it difficult or impossible to ever have a decent relationship with one person. What makes this arrangement difficult is the fact that more than likely this is a person you’ve shared literally everything with for the amount of time you were together. For us it was just a few months past the anniversary of the day we met, February 16. I remember that day well. I got dragged to a party by an old friend and this wonderful lady happened to be there. The weeks and months following were mostly great, and for the first time I legitimately felt like I had found the other piece to my fucked up crazy fun hilarious jigsaw puzzle.
You already know the end. After a three week visit to see a friend in England, I’m informed it’s over. Thousands of times now I’ve gone over it in my head. Part of me thinks we both failed, other parts blame it on myself because as much as I like to convey myself as an intelligent, funny, care free guy, I’m not exactly sure I’m any of those things. And if you think this is fishing for compliments, you couldn’t be farther from the reality of everything. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I’m a difficult person. Even more difficult to love. That’s one of my biggest weaknesses. I’m irrational, impulsive, and often times can't handle the world as it is. Maybe it;s the artistic person in me. I was once told that funny people often are funny because it’s a way of coping with the world, and I think in my case it’s very true. It’s becoming obvious that I’m not meant to live a cookie cutter life. I’m not designed to be a normal person. Another thing i do is keep people at bay and blow things out of proportion. Whether or not this was born in me is very much up for debate. Take a second to debate.
Ok since the debate is over, let me explain why this is being posted now. For a little while I was doing well. My new job was going well, or I thought it was( It may still be, but my brain doesn’t let me see the progress I’ve potentially made). I was dating, which is weird, but somewhat exciting. Getting a chance to date as a somewhat responsible adult for the first time is fun, and because of my knack for being utterly honest nearly all the time, I feel that I haven’t conveyed myself to be that much further than who I am actually. I’m a man that wears his heart on his sleeve permanently, and who absolutely loves music, and all the beauty it offers in this world. Close friends to talk to, cry at and listen to music with have really been some of things that have saved me in these past months. Jumping backwards though, this is a post regarding everything that’s happened in the last few weeks. For some reason I hit a wall of emotion regarding my year and the varied difficulties I’ve been facing. Sometimes I think of my ex and yearn for the comfortable, other times I’m convinced she’s one of the worst people I’ve ever met. Neither one of those are completely true or false. I do miss her obviously. It’s weird as fuck to share a life with someone and then have that ripped away. And no she isn’t the worst person I've ever met. She’s maybe in limbo just as much as i am, though I wouldn’t know because she’s prone to shutting herself off, although maybe not as severely or quickly as I do. And in my case, she obviously has the right to be closed off. That’s almost the definition of divorce: I don’t want you to be involved in my life anymore. Which is I guess the way of the world. It’s difficult and great in completely different ways, but it is what it is. There are times where life is amazing, and then those periods give way to real world shit no one wants to deal with. It reminds me of what I thought adulthood was as a child. From the outside looking in you think older people have everything figured out, but it’s nearly never like that. We stumble, fall, pick ourselves back up and keep going that over and over and over. It’s the ebb and flow of things.
Also I apologize for the ramblings. I realize this is a music blog, but sometimes you have to just let it out and keep moving. If i’m being honest though, this has helped to pour my feelings out. Other things bother me too. I’m trying really hard at my new job, and while I know I can do the work and enjoy it, I’m not sure I’m picking it up as quickly as I should be. I’ve been told you’re supposed to suck at this point, but my standards are so high for everything that often times I’m not pleased. That’s another thing that I’m sure lead to the dissolution of our union. I’m super hard on people close to me. I don’t mean to be, and I know it’s terrible and I should be better, but it’s hard to be a good person all the time. Sometimes I’m sure I push people away. I most certainly didn’t do all I could when it mattered to save my marriage. Maybe that’s a sign that we weren’t meant to be, but even though I desperately wanted to save it and blossom in love, maybe I knew we weren’t right for eachother. Maybe she knew too.
Noone is perfect, and my former bride certainly has many flaws, but It's impossible to forget all the inside jokes, amazing experiences and deep emotions we shared over eight years. More than anything though, I hate the fact that we’re now statistics. We’re part of the group that didn't make it. My wedding day was easily one of the best days of my entire life, and just driving past the venue or hearing a certain Queen song is almost unbearable now.
As the sun sets on Nola, I’m left with varied feelings on life. These last few weeks have been trying for reasons i can’t even pinpoint exactly. Most of it is likely confounded by my own nature to dwell on things and not move past them. Dwelling is no good, and it’s a thing I work very hard at changing about myself. Sometimes it gets better. Like for instance, as I’m writing this various music is filling my brain. Faith No More’s “Motherfucker” rings in my room, and it does actually help.
The last thing I’m going to mention today is the idea of moving on and dating. Fact 1: Dating sucks, and while I’ve gotten better at knowing what I want in a partner, when you marry you genuinely think that’s it for the dates with strangers. Sure, I’ve met amazing people, and also people I wish I hadn’t let get so close, but that’s the difficulty of putting yourself out there. There’s a ton of shit in the world, but you have to wade through it like Andy in Shawshank to get to the gold. Hopefully someday I’ll find that gold. What is the gold? I can’t exactly say. Maybe it’s a person who fits into my crazy bike filled concert seeking world, or maybe it's the contentedness of knowing that deep down I’m a free spirit that’s not meant to be tied down to any one thing. Right now I have no answers on either of those, but I know that things could be a lot worse. I must keep going and adulting in order to prove to myself that I have worth, even if adulting really sucks ass. Either way, thanks for reading this. And for all the people who’ve helped me through this difficult time, I know it’s not easy, but I sincerely am glad to have all of you in my life. She won’t ever know what happened for sure, but after everything, my dog Bonnie has been a huge source of comfort, and I can’t even imagine not having her love around me.
In closing I’d like to quote a line from a song that’s really helped me to understand the ups and downs involved in existing.
Life is moving, can't you see
There's no future left for you and me
I was holding and I was searching endlessly
But baby, now there's nothing left that I can do so
So don't be blue
There is another future waiting there for you
I saw it different, I must admit
I caught a glimpse, I'm going after it
They say people never change, but that's bullshit, they do
Landon Murray is a published writer and an avid lover of music, books and films. He's also a lover of the New Orleans Saints. He was born in 1982 and has a chainsaw tattoo on his arm.
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